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whereismikowhen i first told g that fear and anxiety are my primary emotions, they started crying; said i didn't deserve it with such a beautiful soul;
but i really didn't know any better
i think the fear was somehow conditioned to me through my upbringing. everybody around me cared very much and wouldn't ever let me do careless, dangerous things. i grew to fear every action more and more and somehow even the constants in my life, the things i knew best became something to be afraid of
i consider fear to be my biggest motivator, but also my biggest enemy. we've known each other for quite some time; now i take medicine to cut the fear off, but he's very persistent. i don't think i've ever felt completely safe, free from worries and anxious thoughts crippling up my spine. it's a little better, though; day after day, i start learning myself a bit more and being gentle around me. i have some people around me who help me a lot, but i am also afraid of loosing them.
i distinctly remember when i was 14-ish, my dad took me for a walk, worried that i have no friends at school, that i just sit on my phone in my free time. he said it's not that hard to befriend someone, you just have to take initiative, invite them, ask them how they feel. i told him "dad, that would be an investment of my time. what if they turn out to be terrible? what if they hurt me? what if they make me feel so bad i will not be able to befriend anyone else?". he said "well, that's how life is". he couldn't explain that to me; he didn't have any friends of his own. people were using him and were really gross to him sometimes. we spent the rest of the walk in silence.
now, i'm not that scared anymore; but i don't like a lot of people anyway. it's hard to find someone who makes you feel understood; for some, it's even impossible. i am nice and bubbly, i like meeting new people, but hate having to ask for something. hate to invest my time when i don't feel understood. and that's fine; in the end, i found g and some other people, who don't induce my anxiety. but it took 20 years of loneliness.
but i really didn't know any better
i think the fear was somehow conditioned to me through my upbringing. everybody around me cared very much and wouldn't ever let me do careless, dangerous things. i grew to fear every action more and more and somehow even the constants in my life, the things i knew best became something to be afraid of
i consider fear to be my biggest motivator, but also my biggest enemy. we've known each other for quite some time; now i take medicine to cut the fear off, but he's very persistent. i don't think i've ever felt completely safe, free from worries and anxious thoughts crippling up my spine. it's a little better, though; day after day, i start learning myself a bit more and being gentle around me. i have some people around me who help me a lot, but i am also afraid of loosing them.
i distinctly remember when i was 14-ish, my dad took me for a walk, worried that i have no friends at school, that i just sit on my phone in my free time. he said it's not that hard to befriend someone, you just have to take initiative, invite them, ask them how they feel. i told him "dad, that would be an investment of my time. what if they turn out to be terrible? what if they hurt me? what if they make me feel so bad i will not be able to befriend anyone else?". he said "well, that's how life is". he couldn't explain that to me; he didn't have any friends of his own. people were using him and were really gross to him sometimes. we spent the rest of the walk in silence.
now, i'm not that scared anymore; but i don't like a lot of people anyway. it's hard to find someone who makes you feel understood; for some, it's even impossible. i am nice and bubbly, i like meeting new people, but hate having to ask for something. hate to invest my time when i don't feel understood. and that's fine; in the end, i found g and some other people, who don't induce my anxiety. but it took 20 years of loneliness.
